


when daylight comes (you feel so cold)

by fractalbright



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Robots & Androids, Amputation, Asexuality, Bottom Erwin Week, Healing, M/M, Recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-25
Updated: 2015-06-25
Packaged: 2018-04-06 03:15:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4205847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fractalbright/pseuds/fractalbright
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All Levi knows how to do is build and fix. He can build Erwin a new arm, but there's still the remaining half of the equation that does not, and cannot, equal to <i>fix</i>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	when daylight comes (you feel so cold)

**Author's Note:**

> Covering prompts missing arm, first time, and distance.

It shouldn't have happened. Even in this city, with the thousands of safety precautions and measures instilled to ensure civilian welfare (that leaves Levi feeling stifled if he thinks about it too hard about it), the car accident that robs Erwin of his right arm takes them by surprise. It collapses the foundation underneath them, sends them spiralling into a free-fall. They accelerate faster and faster with no end in sight, losing their grip on each other, falling away at different speeds, the other nowhere to be found.   
  
It was easier in the hospital, Levi thinks. When the wounds were fresh and Erwin refused to rise from the medically induced coma that kept him out of pain and the two of them in a limbo, protecting them from a future Levi couldn't have predicted.  
  
Levi stimulates the synthetic nerve junction that will hopefully function as one of Erwin's new motor neurons when Levi finishes his prosthetic. The mirrored replica of Erwin's right pinky twitches under the gentle stimulation, and Levi carefully moves on to the next one, the titanium plates composing Erwin's forearm glinting under the overhead light.  
  
It's 4AM, and Levi doesn't usually make it a habit of staying this late in his lab-- that's Erwin's thing, but--  
  
Levi hates himself for thinking it, but he would much rather be back there, where medically induced comas ground their lives to a halt, skidding off the road and Levi's biggest concern was Erwin waking up at all, let alone dealing with the aftermath. When the thought of losing Erwin was a very tangible and a  _very_ real possibility. He hates himself, because now awake, here in the now, Levi never could have factored Erwin waking up and still being lost to him into the equation.

On nights when Levi's feeling particularly ugly and resentful--  _selfish_ , his mind supplies; when Erwin shouts abuse at the nearest responsive thing he can pin his frustration on, when his phantom limb is especially painful and physiotherapy doesn't go as planned, he wonders quietly if Erwin would have been better off dead. It's the anger talking, he knows, regrets the nasty thoughts as quickly as they come to life, but the Erwin  _now_  compared to Erwin  _then_? All Levi knows how to do is build and fix. He can build Erwin a new arm, but there's still the remaining half of the equation that does not, and cannot, equal to  _fix_.

The middle finger twitches, Levi makes a note in his lab book. Levi enjoys this part, even under the pressure that he's holding Erwin's potential livelihood in his hands, held together by solder and thousands of dollars worth of industrial strength materials, diamond and alloy alike. He enjoys this, he doesn't have to think too hard; familiar territory versus the wreckage around him.  
  
So even if he is avoiding Erwin, and his heart clenches at the thought-- this is familiar. He can work with this hell, the devil he knows.

* * *

"Hello, Mr. Ackerman."  
  
Levi swears he nearly shits himself when the android's voice breaks him out of his reverie. He'll never get used to having that thing around the apartment.  
  
"Shit, Eren." Levi says. "Don't you make any noise?"  
  
"The older version of my model does." He sounds almost amused. "You're typically at work around this time. Is there anything you need?"

Levi scrubs his hands down his thighs. If Eren's out and about, then that means Erwin's around getting ready to go to physiotherapy. Meaning, Erwin's lurking and potentially in a bad mood, and really, Levi's far too overworked to deal with that right now.  
  
"My lab book." Levi says, stalking passed him to check the kitchen table for the leather-bound notebook. "I got all the way to the lab and didn't have the fucking thing, have you seen it?"  
  
"Perhaps you left it in the guest room?" Eren suggests, and it stings, the reminder that Levi hasn't slept in his own bed in months, but goes through the pile of textbooks and papers on the coffee table regardless.  
  
"Maybe." Levi sighs, shoves a hand through his hair out of frustration.  
  
"You looking for this?" Erwin's voice calls from their bedroom.   
  
Levi whips around where Erwin's standing in the doorway, notebook in hand. His expression is neutral, and Levi swallows hard.  
  
"Yeah." He says, and Erwin takes a couple of steps toward him. He clears his throat. "Thank you."  
  
"You're welcome." Erwin says, and then they just stand there staring at each other in suffocating silence.  
  
Erwin looks like he has a million things to say, and Levi-- Levi either wants him to say them, or break his gaze first so he can leave.  
  
"Mr. Smith, you are going to be late for your appointment."  
  
It seems to knock Erwin out of his trance. He swallows visibly, nodding his head to Levi before stalking out the door, leaves Levi standing in the living room alone.

"I'll see you later?" Erwin asks. Levi turns his head, watches Erwin use a shoehorn to put his shoes on over his shoulder. Eren waits near the door and Levi is outnumbered. Erwin doesn't look at him.  
  
"Maybe." Levi says, and they both know he won't be.  
  
The door clicks shut behind them and before Levi registers the movement of his arm, the book is flying toward the door, hitting so hard he flinches on impact, bitter tears stinging his eyes. Letting the anger swell is also easier. Convincing himself that Erwin prefers the android's company to his; that he refused Levi when he offered to come with Erwin in the beginning, only to bring the fucking robot  _Levi_ purchased for him a week later. It's easier than accepting the hurt that comes with Erwin not wanting him there at all.

* * *

Levi typically keeps his phone on silent when he works late nights. Partially because he doesn't want to be disturbed (even though there's only one person in the entire world who be calling him at ungodly hours in the morning), but mostly because the crushing disappointment of not receiving said phone call weighs more on his mind than anything else. So his phone stays on silent, and Levi can persist in another type of limbo, blissfully unaware.

More often than not, the phone call doesn't come. It's easy to lose himself in the work, but as the calendar flips forward and the voicemails trickle to nothing when he checks at 7AM, Levi finds himself wringing his hands.

He's losing Erwin, maybe forever. He doesn't know where or even how to  _begin_  to salvage the mess their relationship is becoming. Of course, Levi could call himself-- it takes two; but this, whatever this is, is much bigger than a minor lack of communication, and Levi's caught between giving him space and--

He doesn't know.

So, when 7AM creeps around and Levi's exhaustedly putting tools away, he picks up his phone from its face down position on the table, only to be met with 6% battery, two missed calls and one single voicemail from one Erwin Smith.

Heart stops in his chest, mind racing with all sorts of worst-case scenarios. Panic pours over him like cold water, freezing into guilt when he locks on the possibility of Erwin injuring himself and Levi missed a call for help out of-- what? Childishness? Selfishness? With shaking fingers, he plugs his phone into its adapter, thumbing through his keypad to open up the voicemail left at 3:16AM, expecting the worst.

As it turns out, it's none of those things, and all of those things.

"Hey, Levi. It's me." His voice is rough, like he's been crying, and a new kind of guilt creeps over him.

"It's late, and I know you've been spending more hours in the lab, recently and, uh, I went through your notebook-- the arm, my arm." He takes a breath, and Levi can see the way Erwin scrunches his eyes shut in his mind. "It looks good so far. And--"

Another pause. Levi waits for the dial tone, waits for Erwin to say something else.

"Just--  _please_  come home, Levi. Please?" And Erwin hangs up.

The automated voice rings sharp in his ear, asking if he'd like to continue. He puts his head in his hands, shame burning hot, and makes a decision.

* * *

He stumbles back into their apartment at around 7:32AM, exhaustion burning his eyes and settling heavy in his bones. Levi isn't expecting Erwin to be awake, phone call aside-- he's usually passed out cold by the time Levi collapses into a dead sleep on the hard guest bed, and off to physical therapy by the time Levi wakes up at 11AM.  
  
When the scent of pancakes assaults Levi's nose, he's more confused about what's going on than nervous about the potential small talk he's about to be subject to by a man he's been married to for years. He wanders into the kitchen, rubbing his eyes against the blinding sunlight while Erwin carefully flips a pancake over with his left hand. The stump of his right arm isn't covered by his usual long-sleeve. Levi can see the reddened scar tissue, healing slowly but surely and it shocks him that he can count the small number of times he's actually seen the wound so openly.  
  
"Erwin?" Levi asks, regrets it when Erwin nearly jumps out of his skin. Miraculously, the pancake doesn't fall.  
  
"Levi! Hey, I-- wasn't expecting you back so soon. I made you breakfast. Well, Eren helped, but he's charging right now--" He rambles, turning around, spatula in hand.  
  
"It's 7:30." He says, bleary like he just woke up instead of staying up until the asscrack of dawn. "How is that soon?"  
  
The laugh that bubbles out of Erwin's chest surprises both of them. Erwin looks like he had forgotten how, that he was even capable of laughter. Hope clings to Levi's insides, barbs hooking into his throat.  
  
"I'm uh--" His throat is tight. "I'm gonna go hop in the shower real quick, I'll be right back--"  
  
The soft smile on Erwin's face dissolves into panic, surely mirroring his own.  
  
"Levi-- wait."  
  
He stops, magnetized.  
  
"I haven't been fair to you." He gets out in a rush, like he didn't know he was ready for this conversation. Levi sure as hell isn't. "I've been shutting you out and lashing out at you, and I shouldn't have--"  
  
"That's not your fault." Levi interjects. "You just--" lost your fucking arm is what he can't bring himself to say.  
  
"Don't." Erwin says, painfully earnest, even as the confidence drains from his face-- Levi almost shuts his eyes against it, but this-- this is important. Progress; he isn't about to shut Erwin down when he's extending a hand over the canyon. "It's not an excuse."  
  
Levi holds his tongue, says nothing. Something he never would have done before, and Erwin notices.  
  
Erwin's a live wire recently, and Levi's never quite been able to stave off the fear of low-grade electrocution. He treads on the side of caution, yet still finds himself drowning when he isn't paying attention.

"I haven't been fair to you." Erwin says again, resolve returning. He fidgets with the spatula, but his voice is determined. "I want to make it up to you. Stay, please?"  
  
Levi fidgets with the end of his shirt, wonders how high the sun will climb the longer he takes to answer. He could probably figure a calculation for that.   
  
Just when Erwin starts to deflate, a heart breaking expression that pains Levi to watch, Levi finds the strength he needs to counterbalance Erwin's tugging. "Okay."  
  
It's quiet, sleep deprived but definitely sure, and the way Erwin's face lights up in gratitude has absolutely nothing on the sun.

* * *

"Your arm is almost done." Levi says casually as Erwin exits the master bathroom, steam billowing from another one of his too-hot showers.  
  
"Oh, yeah?" He jerks his head sharply to the side, throwing wet hair out of his face. He sits on the edge of the bed, towel drying his hair roughly.  
  
"Yeah," Levi says, flips through his lab book at the most recent drawn image. Of course, it would be much easier (and efficient) to do it holographically, or perhaps use one of the unprogrammed mass produced models instead, but Levi's specialty is robotics, and it's easy to lose hours in the lab working on the schematic. Easy to convince himself that Erwin deserves better than a regular product-line prosthetic than to admit that he'd rather just design and build an arm instead of a bridge to cross over the canyon between them. They're getting there, though, board by board.  
  
He wants to ask if Erwin wants to see it, but he's already pushing his luck by bringing it up at all. Erwin didn't want anything to do with the prosthetic in the beginning, too caught up in the trauma of the reason why it existed to begin with. They're just getting back into the swing of things, falling into old patterns and habits still underscored by a crippling uncertainty neither of them can shake.  
  
"Can I see it?" Erwin asks, tentative in a way that doesn't suit his strong features.  
  
Levi blinks. "Um, of course. Yeah, shit-- here. It's gonna be yours anyway, so--" He cuts himself off before he can embarrass himself further.  
  
He flips the book around, held open to the page where the diagram floats on the page. Levi makes it a point to look away when Erwin grasps the book, holding it open between his thumb and little finger, the spine cradled between the middle three. Erwin's never had a negative reaction to his work before, offering constructive criticism about the software aspects at best and staring in awed silence at worst. The anxiety stems from the fact that this is Erwin's arm, not just any other prosthetic.  
  
"Levi." Erwin whispers, drawing Levi's gaze back to his face. He holds his breath. "Levi, this is beautiful."  
  
Relief floods him in a wash that nearly leaves him dizzy. "Yeah?" Levi asks, leans forward to see what Erwin's seeing.  
  
"Yes." He says, can't rip his eyes away. "Levi, this is some of your best work; it's gorgeous."  
  
Levi almost wants to roll his eyes, but the happiness ringing in his chest has him giddy. Of course it's his best work. It's an arm for  _Erwin_ , for god's sake.   
  
"I never thanked you for this." Erwin murmurs, staring down at the figure in awe, regret colouring his tone. "You've been losing sleep over this, and I--"  
  
"Erwin." Levi says. "I did that to myself, and you don't need to thank me."  
  
"Thank you." Erwin says anyway. "Thank you, Levi."  
  
Levi catches what he means, and smiles back at him. He forgets that Erwin is just as capable of building as he is, software background be damned.

* * *

He wakes up in the dead of night when the mattress shifts beside him. "Erwin?" He asks, voice rough with sleep, eyes blinking blearily.   
  
"Sorry." Erwin whispers. "I didn't mean to wake you, it's just--"  
  
Levi's eyes still haven't completely adjusted to the dark-- or being awake, really, but as soon as he catches a glimpse of Erwin clutching the stump of his right arm, he's up and alert.  
  
"Are you in pain?" Levi asks. He doesn't move from his spot, more wounded than he'd like to admit from the last time this happened.  
  
Erwin nods sharply, and Levi imagines his jaw clicking from where he grinds his teeth.  
  
"...is it phantom limb?" Levi fishes, tentatively testing the waters.  
  
"No." Erwin sighs. "Dr. Ral's been testing different prosthetics on me, to prepare for the upcoming surgery. It's been sore. I think I rolled over on it." He says.  
  
"Oh." Levi says, at a loss for anything else to say. He didn't know Erwin was adjusting to having two arms again, hadn't told him. "Should I get Eren..?"  
  
"He's in for repairs, remember?"  
  
Fuck, that's right.  
  
They're silent for a few moments, Erwin's breath loud in the air around them and Levi's heart thudding wildly in his chest.  
  
He braces himself, preparing for another harsh rejection. Even if Erwin seems more amiable than the last time, the cracking shout of  _don't touch me_  still rings loudly in his ears. "Is there anything I can do? Grab some ibuprofen or something?"  
  
A beat of silence, then another. Levi holds his breath.  
  
Then, meekly almost: "actually-- can you come here?"  
  
Levi barely has time to process Erwin actually requesting him to touch him. He hesitates a breath too long, and Erwin's already curling in on himself, defensive. Levi could kick himself.  
  
"You don't have to." Erwin starts, and the self-loathing in his tone twists something in Levi.  
  
He shifts closer, hands still sitting uselessly in his lap. "Tell me what to do." Levi says firmly.  
  
"Just-- massage it, here. Press your thumbs over the incision-- ah."  
  
"Like that?" Levi asks, gingerly shifting his thumbs in minute circles over the tender flesh.  
  
"Yeah." Erwin says. "Just like that, thank you."  
  
"It's fine." Levi murmurs.  
  
Erwin shifts under him. When Levi glances up, his face is close to his, sliding into his space like he never left.

“Levi.” He breathes. Levi feels like a teenager again, the way his heart threatens to beat out of his chest. Erwin smells good, minty. The plains of his cheeks are cloaked in shadow, eyes dark, wanting, and Levi misses him all at once.

He doesn’t need sex, has never quite felt the gravitation toward it that he’s only ever had described to him, content to orbit around the idea rather than set off in what Levi is convinced is a crash collision course. He doesn’t need it, but he misses the closeness it brings, the way Erwin looks up at him like Levi’s the centre of his universe.

He doesn’t need it, but he wants him.

“Erwin.” Levi says back, a key sliding into place when Erwin slants their mouths together, swallowing Levi’s gasp.

It's gentle fingers skidding up the edge of Erwin's jaw, wanting, terrified. Erwin slides back up on the bed, his hand stroking along Levi's neck. He rubs soothing circles, doesn't pull him closer or push away, and Levi's a hair's breadth away from crawling into his lap and taking claim before Erwin changes his mind.

"Can I?" Levi asks, a familiar question so quiet and hesitant that he doesn't shatter the silence between them. He rests his hand lightly on Erwin's chest, feels his heart tattoo a beat against his fingertips.

Erwin, who chases his lips when he pulls away, slipping his tongue just barely over Levi's, guides Levi's hand down to his cover his cock, half hard already. He can't remember the last time Erwin let him touch his body like this, not recently and definitely not after the accident.

"Yes." Erwin moans, breath stuttering when Levi slips into his boxers, steady and sure.

It doesn’t take long, like they're young and it's their first time all over again. Levi strokes him firmly, lips pressed against his jaw in reverent worship. He runs a hand through Erwin’s hair when he can’t keep his head up any longer, panting hotly against the nook of Levi’s shoulder, his hand fisted tightly in the loose T-shirt covering Levi’s body. A press of his thumb against the soft underside of Erwin’s cock has him whining low, spilling over Levi’s fingers and staining his shirt.

It’s disgusting, it’s never not disgusting, the sensation of rapidly cooling cum sliding over his fingers. He waits for Erwin to come back to himself, the moments before the marked slowing of his breath Levi contents himself in just watching Erwin, unravelled.

Eventually, the soft sensation of lips drawing up the column of his neck pulls Levi from his reverie, hand still held up an awkward angle, fingers clawed to avoid touching anything. Erwin grabs it, pulling his fingers to his shirt and wiping off the mess in a habit so old, so reminiscent of before that Levi laughs, feels Erwin grin against his ear in response.

“Do you want…?” Erwin trails off, again, out of habit.  _Common courtesy_ , he had said once, peppering Levi’s face with kisses,  _in case you change your mind_.

Levi kisses his cheek. “No.” He says, answer unchanged, always just happy to just have him close. Erwin squeezes his fingers. “I’m good.”

* * *

They don't fall asleep again, instead making up for lost time wrapped around each other's limbs, losing track of their beginnings and ends.

"Come with me tomorrow, to physio." Erwin says, breaking the comfortable silence between them. "Dr. Ral can show you all the tricks, for when this happens again."

Levi stiffens, terrified that Erwin somehow feels backed into a corner-- if he isn't comfortable with having him there, then that's Levi's problem to deal with, not Erwin’s.  
  
"I'm sure Eren can show me. That's why he goes with you, isn't it?" Levi suggests, and it kills him to do so, but as much as he wants to jump at the chance to be there for him, Levi needs to offer him an out, just in case.  
  
"I want you there." Erwin whispers, pressing his lips to Levi's gently. "Please? Come with me."  
  
"Okay." Levi murmurs against his lips. He slips his hands around the base of his skull, holding him close. "Okay."

* * *

Dr. Hange Zoe and her team of androids wheel Erwin into surgery with Levi quick on their heels, gripping the bars of the gurney tight with anxiety while everything he wanted to say slips his mind in a landslide.  
  
"It'll be fine, Levi." Erwin smiles at him. The gaudy baby blue cap covering his hair somehow manages to bring out his eyes, crinkled softly around the edges as he stares up at him. "I'm going in a man and coming out a cyborg, it'll be better than fine, really."  
  
Levi rolls his eyes, laughs a little wetly, a little hysterically. "Cyborgs are archaic, where do you even come up with this shit?"  
  
"A cyborg, Levi." He widens his eyes for emphasis. Dr. Zoe snickers beside them.  
  
They slow down at a set of doors, panic gripping Levi's chest in a truly ugly hold. He grabs Erwin's hand, rougher than intended and kisses his knuckles, holding his palm to his cheek.  
  
Erwin strokes his cheek with his thumb. "I love you. It'll be fine." He says again.  
  
Levi's breath shudders out of him. He turns his head, mouthing the words into his palm.  
  
"I'm afraid this is as far as you go, Mr. Ackerman." Dr. Zoe says apologetically. "We'll take good care of him, scout's honour."  
  
Levi snorts, scrubs at his eyes roughly. "Take care of that arm, too." He says wetly, grips Erwin's fingers tightly in his hand.  
  
"The arm especially." She winks. "You ready, Erwin?"  
  
"As I'll ever be." And she wheels him away.

* * *

It takes the better part of the day for the operation to complete.

Levi spends most of his time flipping back through his notebook, pouring over diagrams and equations, looking for anything that doesn't look right, that could potentially malfunction. He hasn't slept in thirty-six hours, and it must show on his face given the wide berth of space he's spared between jittery pacing and littering his fingers with papercuts.

Of course, the schematic is flawless. His team of engineers worked out any remaining kinks, smoothing out the motor functions and ensuring the connection between prosthesis and brain were fluid, little getting lost in translation.

In vitro, the damn thing is functional. Levi can only hope Erwin has enough healthy nerve activity to sew everything together--

“Perhaps you should try and sleep.” Eren pipes in. “You haven’t relaxed since--”

“How am I supposed to relax?” Levi snaps tiredly, slouching down in the chair. “I can’t relax, I have no idea what’s going on in there.”

“Knowing wouldn’t remedy that.” Eren drones. “Because you still can’t do anything about it.”

Levi sighs. He hates this thing. “I’m going to get tea.” He says, pushing himself up out of his chair.

Eren follows his lead. “I’ll accompany you.”

Levi rolls his eyes, but doesn’t say no. “Of course you will.”

They make their way to the cafeteria, littered with humans and androids alike, some eating, some staring at plates to stave off the crippling sluggishness of waiting. Eren bullies Levi into a chair with a childlike stubbornness, insisting that he's more than capable of obtaining a cup of tea. Levi's too exhausted to say otherwise, so he let's the android help.  
  
Eren returns with a cup of milky Earl Grey, setting under Levi's chin. He watches he teabag bob, steady streams of brown seeping out. He has the sneaking suspicion that if he takes a sip, the scalding liquid will burn off his tastebuds and will have the perfect amount of sugar.

Confusion must read plain on his face. Eren takes the seat across from him, staring at him with something like kindness in synthetic green eyes.

"Mr. Smith programmed your preferences into my database." He says.

Levi sips his tea-- he was right, it is sweet enough. "Why?" He asks.

Eren shrugs a shoulder, the motion so thoroughly human it throws Levi off. He's almost certain this particular nursing model isn't programmed with that much detail, unless Erwin tinkered something.

It's not like he would know. He sighs.

"I think I was part of his apology." The android says, fluctuations of emotion colouring his tone.

Levi's throat tightens. He swallows another mouthful of tea, lets the hot liquid sear the roof of his mouth. "I got you to help him." Levi says quietly.

"Yes, because he refused to let you do my job. Stubborn man. Good, but stubborn."

Levi snorts, tilting his chair back on its back legs. He feels sick, anxiety curdling in his gut with would haves and could haves. "Can't do anything about it now." He mutters.

"I suppose not." He says evenly. "However, I think it's important that you know he missed you."

Levi smiles despite himself, tries to hang on to the tendrils anger that are hell bent on dissipating back into aching worry and something that feels like forgiveness. "Sure, Eren."

* * *

Levi eventually finds sleep, hunched over Erwin’s hospital bed, patiently waiting for him to wake up.

His body gives out on him, the tug of sleep too strong for him to resist. He falls asleep, back curved uncomfortably with his fingers clinging to the metal appendages of Erwin's prosthesis.

This time, when he wakes up to the sun burning the backs of his eyelids red, he opens his eyes to Erwin staring blearily back at him, lucid, like he’s been up for a while.

“Erwin?” Levi asks, like he can’t believe it. “You’re awake; you should have woken me.”

Erwin smiles, hushes Levi when he moves to bring his hands up to stroke his face. “Watch.”

Levi blinks at him, feels something twitch against his hand.

Ever so slightly, with the barest hints of functional motor control, Erwin crosses the littlest finger of his prosthesis over Levi’s. His breath catches, a grin stretching wide on his face.

And Erwin, who looks at Levi like the sun itself, smiles back, just as brilliant.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for ripping this to bits and making it better jade <3
> 
> also subtly ace levi is the only levi that matters


End file.
